Today has been one of those days. I woke up feeling frustrated, annoyed, even angry. These feelings have been brewing when I witnessed really bad and unexpected things happening to some of the people I’m closest to. Earlier when my dad asked me to do a few time-consuming tasks that I really didn’t feel like doing at the moment it brought everything to the surface and I just wanted to either scream or cry. What I did was a little bit of both (poor dad).
I don’t mind being told what to do as much as I mind being told WHEN to do it. I’m most content when I can plan things out and somewhat stick to my schedule; that way I can efficiently juggle the different things I've brought in to my life and it helps me stay sane. So what I dislike even more than being told when to do something is a last minute request where I’m expected to just drop my own plans. It’s inconsiderate!
I’m overwhelmed with this feeling of a lack of control over the circumstances of my life. There’s very little that I know with absolute clarity. I hate uncertainty when it comes to my life. The only things certain to me is time is passing by and God is watching. Sometimes I get angry at people or at situations that I feel like contribute to that uncertainty in my own life. When I accept responsibility for the way things are going and take matters into my own hands, I feels empowered and awesome-but only temporarily. At some point I hit a brick wall when I realize that despite the inspirational speeches, the comforting girlfriend talks, and the widely acclaimed self-help book-I’m not really in control no matter how much responsibility I accept and no matter how many times I take initiative to turn things around. I would be feeling better if I was a passive lazy ass person in the first place who sat around and let things happen then complained about how unfair life is as opposed to being proactive all the time.
So what do I do? Do I eliminate the sources of uncertainty from my life and not invest myself in so many situations? Is that really the wisest thing to do? I really don’t know. I mean sure- I’d be living more on the safe side by allowing less opportunity for bad things to come my way, but at the same time I could also be removing potentially sources of happiness, security, great opportunity, success, excitement, and achievement. I know from experience that living life on the safe side can only take you so far. Your basic desires can be fulfilled and you might be lucky enough to ride on the coattails of others; however, you probably won’t be hitting any jackpots yourself. Is that good enough?
That’s one of life’s great challenges, it’s full of fine lines. Sometimes it’s just one decision or a single spontaneous act that’s between being grateful or being regretful, being in love or being heartbroken, being successful or being broke. I’ve lived most of my life as a risk taker and right now I’m unfulfilled and disappointed. Is it time to stop? Or would a brief vacation be just what I need?