Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Surviving doctor school: Just say no to the party!

Unless you're in professional school (medical/dental/optometry/pharm/law..etc) you're just not going to understand why I have to say no to everything and seclude myself from people and activity. It's not just about this one dinner, going to that one restaurant, watching that one movie, spending this one weekend home...."what's the the big deal asoom?"...........people just don't fucking understand!!!!!

Succeeding in these types of programs is very much an emotional process as much as it is mental and physical. Many times I really can't be around people (especially certain types). I can't just hang out and be adventurous and spontaneous like I used to. I can't put myself in situations where I might get pissed off at someone, annoyed at something, too excited, too tired....etc. It's cool to give myself a break but I have exams on a weekly basis and I have to stay focused. My mind can't wander too far away.

I'm always on the border grade-wise and I've had to learn the hard way that a really fun weekend could also result in going from a barely passing to to a failing average in a class. There's a reason why it's so hard to get into such programs; it's simply not cut out for the vast majority of people. In the battle to just keep up you could turn into a crazy psycho person who no longer eats and sleeps.'s really that bad!

It sucks when you're around people that just don't understand it and get annoyed at you or think of you as not a very good friend when you just have to say no to the party, even when they claim they totally understand. People just don't get it and I'm so sick I've having to deal with that added pressure of appeasing everyone. It's just not fair!

Thanksgiving Dinner at my place? Hell No!

I'm not going home for Thanksgiving or Eid. It's too close to finals and I have to keep things low key to stay focused and ensure that I'll be here next semester. It's sacrifice that I have to make and that's just life.

A young couple that we've befriended on our floor invited me and Masriyya to their Thanksgiving dinner. I figured that would be perfect because I could just show up, eat, chat for a bit, then leave. Masriyya understands how much pressure I'm under so she'll take care of contributing some dish for the both of us and I can even dress up for the affair! It sounds perfect because I'll be satisfied in getting to partake in Thanksgiving but not to the point where I'll be distracted.

Yesterday we were informed that Thanksgiving at our neighbors will be cancelled because the man of the house got called to travel for work and the lady of the house can't handle it all by herself. So we were a teeny bit bummed to the point where I forgot about my other committments and started brainstorming alternatives. So I came up with this idea that seemed genious at the moment. One of our favorite Italian bakeries had fliers up advertising their Thanksgiving catering specials. They'll cater a dinner for 8 Thanksgiving Day at a relatively reasonable price and their food is amazing! So why don't we ask our neighbor if she'll split it with us and just have it at our place so that we can invite a couple of our friends too who also can't go home for Thanksgiving. No wasting time cooking or shopping, what a genious idea, we have to do it!

So after I went back to my room my senses slowly started coming back to me which soon turned into a full-blown panic. All those people, the inviting, the cleaning before, the cleaning after, how long will they stay after? how much will I end up spending? what the hell was I thinking???? There is no way we're hosting Thanksgiving dinner at MY place 4 days before my finals start.

So I run back out of my room to tell Masriyya and see that she was coming to my room to tell me something...."you know I'm sooooo happy that you came up with this idea! 3anjad I was getting so depressed about not having a real Thanksgiving this year. You're idea is perfect and I'm soo excited now, I can't tell you how much better I feel!"


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Am I just in love with love?

Yesterday I went to a comedy show where the opening comedian stated "if you're in a relationship and you're not married or engaged but you're fighting about the small things, end it now!". He went on with with the examples and ha ha ha ha we all laughed, they were pretty funny.

It's funny that I'm now taking relationship advice from a comedian but I started wondering if God had specifically meant for me to receive that message at that moment in time no matter what form it came in. I've been stressed, frustrated, confused and really torn. My mood is up and down.

I've actually been doing a great job of keeping my life under control which is a big improvement in comparison to my past antics when dealing with relationship problems. I've done pretty well on the 1 billion exams I took (well with 1 exception). I've been consistent with the strength training and toning class I've taken up at the gym. I'm keeping my place clean and organized. I'm still making time for friends and going out. I regularly speak to my family. I still take pleasure in life's small things like experimenting with makeup and going shoe shopping.

However if my relationship doesn't improve I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this all up and the cracks are starting to show. When things are good we're happy and there are definitely happy days. When they're not (like right now) it takes its toll. I have trouble sleeping. Focusing is a struggle. Sometimes I tune people out and stare off into space without even realizing it. I've been eating more junk food, and have even been missing some of my prayers. I haven't woken up for fajr in a few days now.

I simply don't know what to do now. What I did know though is last night I wanted a night away from everything. I just wanted a night to have fun with my friends and completely put aside the stress and the drama. I wanted to some freedom just for one night. So here I am anticipating the fun and within the first 5 minutes of the show my issues get propped up in my face: "if.....end it now!"

I still managed to push it back in my mind and have loads of fun last night but around 3 AM when we found ourselves drained of energy and done with all our laughing I decided it was now appropriate to share the irony of what the comedian said and see what my girls thought. "If it's only been like a month and a half and we've had a couple of big fights over small things...." before I could even finish their responses erupted. They all strongly felt that this wasn't a good sign at all. "This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase" one friend added.

Maybe they're just biased because I only share with them things when there's a problem because it's those times when I need to talk. I haven't told them all the sweet amazing things he's done. I haven't told them all the times when he's made me over-the-moon happy. I haven't told them about the times when he says to me exactly the things I need to hear or showers me with endless compliments. I haven't told them about the plans he made and the efforts put in to show me that he's serious about commitment and not wasting my time. I keep these things to myself because it just feels weird to share those details unless specifically asked to do so; I would feel like I'm showing off or being plain tacky.

Maybe now I'm sounding like one of those stupid girls you see on Dr.Phil who constantly makes excuses for her guy's bad behavior and justifies a bad relationship because she just doesn't want to be alone. I always tell girls to not be in love with love and see beyond the desire to just have a guy and rather desire to be in a relationship that's good for you, one that brings you up and not pulls you down. Do I need to listen to my own advice? I'm so confused.

What I do know though is this: my finals are starting in 2 weeks. Life has been treating me pretty well right now. Alhamdulilah I'm in a point in life where I have a lot going for me, and I'm not going to let any guy fuck that up!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Will boys be boys? or is that a bad excuse?

I don't get offended by cuss words. I say ass all the time and will even drop the F-bomb here and there. This is all thanks to grad school really; the list of acquired dirty habits is ever growing and cussing is one of them.

However, there's something about the very casual use of sexually explicit language in the form of metaphors and euphamisms (or maybe it's meant literal, I can't tell) that still makes me uncomfortable. It usually comes from guys. My good Muslim boys colleagues who observe Ramadan, attend every campus jum3a prayer, proudly say "salaam alaikum" instead of hey, and can occasionally be caught preaching of their great faith are NO exception to this trend.

I know guys are guys and I've become somewhat desensitized to critiquing the hottness level of a girl (yup they even do it in front of me). But when I hear a conversation describing a D word, or getting some P word, or a reference to sexual acts my jaw just can't help dropping a little bit. Especially when it's coming out of the same mouth that I heard beautifully reciting the athan a couple weeks ago.

It really bothers me and a string of obsessive and perhaps irrational thoughts will run through my head. Is he merely fitting in with the common culture? Could he actually be 'experienced' like that? How much of a hypocrite is he? I can't believe I thought about setting him up with my friend! Then I start thinking about other 'respectable' boys and if they talk like that too in their normal social elements. I wonder about the guy I'm talking to now and if he has conversations like that when he's around the guys.

It's all really non of my business and I would sleep a little bit better if I just didn't hear these things in the first place. So I take comfort in telling myself that it's ok because boys will just be boys.......but perhaps we're using that phrase too much to excuse behavior that shouldn't be totally ok. Agree?

And maybe it's time for me to call it a night!

Friday, November 6, 2009

If youre life is full of drama...maybe it's YOU

My roomate Masriyya is also my friend but since we became roomies I'm thinking more of her as the big sister I never had. She is lovely, does anything for me, but is............A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!!!! Yes, all caps with spaces in between.

When I first got to know her I used to feel bad for her that her life was so full of drama and everything bad seemed to happen to her. After living with her I realized that actually it's her. I just wish that I knew that from the very beginning so I wouldn't have wasted any of my time, emotions, and brain energy involving myself in her issues thinking that I'm being there for a friend.

Take this past incident for example. One of my friends from school invited me to go home with her Halloween weekend to attend a Halloween annual event with her homegirls that happens at one of her local amusement parks. I've been buried in the books so I was really looking forward to this. I extended the invitation to my roomate to come with me to MY FRIEND'S family home- so you'd think she'd be at her best behavior, right?

NOPE!!! this chick manages to turn every situation into being about her and that night, which was supposed to be a fun and relaxing girls night out, was no exception to that.

The first stop after the 4 hour drive was have dinner at my friends house. We were already running like an hour late leaving my friend's house to go pick up her friend, and on top of that she makes us wait for her. We sat in the car waiting for her as she put make up on and straightened her hair. I had to go back inside twice to beg her to please come now we're really late. I was so embarassed!!!!

So halfway on our way to pick up my friend's friend Masriyya announces "OH MY GOD I forgot my ID........see what happens when you guys rush me!" AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I thought about all the different ways I could murder her as my friend made a U-turn back to her house.

Fastforward an hour we get to the amusement park and we only have a couple of hours to enjoy it before closing time. It's super crowded and the lines are huge so we know we're only going to enjoy a couple of haunted houses/rides. She immediately starts with "I can'to do this I can't do this I can't do this I'm too scared I'm too scared I can't do this I'm too scared." That's all we heard while in line.

We're all scared and freaked out, that's part of the fun of it. She was trying to turn it into a "let's all stop what we're doing and counsel masriyya" session. When entered the haunted house she kept her eyes shut and wouldn't stop screaming bloody murder and held on to all 3 of us in a way that was causing us great pain and discomfort. Then she made a string of complaints regarding her current state of health. "OH MY GOD I THINK BROKE MY NECK....MY NECK...MY NECK...IT'S SO HOT I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE I'M GOING TO DIE...MY NECK...MY ANKLE...MY ANKLE....MY NECK."

My friends caught on to her fast and just started ignoring her which put me in a really uncomfortable situation. When we got in line for the next haunted house she claimed she couldn't do it because she has asthma and can't take that fake smoke they have as part of the display. I don't even believe she has asthma, I think she just thinks she does. My friend who had no issue with the fake smoke has really bas asthma she can't even be around second hand smoke, wherease Masriyya smokes shisha with me all the time. The list of ailments kept expanding.

At some point she got scared when a zombie jumped in her face. She ran off screaming bloody murder. We lost her and it was kind of nice. When she finally found us she got mad at us that we didn't run after her and let her get lost. Then she retold the story like 10 times of how badly the zombie or tree man or whatever he was scared her when he jumped in her face.

Simply put, she really took the joy out of it and embarassed me in front of my friends. I also realized that I'm fricking slow like hell. After months of knowing her it took me that night to affirm my suspicions that she was a drama queen and an attention whore when my friends figured it out in like 35 minutes.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Blogging has gotten frustrating

I'm seriously thinking about starting a new blog. A blog where I'll be super anonymous (as long as I can help it) with a totally creatively made-up identity. I want to be able to blog about my drama queen roommate and my friends with the asshole husbands and their annoying kids. I want to blog about my classroom challenges and all of the interesting social dynamics around me. I want to blog about my spiritual side and about all the times when I'm weak. I want to blog about my disfunctional family, how I feel about my ex, and any possible new potentials. I want to blog about my insecurities and my proud my moments.

Everything is just too risky. I'm not really that anonymous. A lot of my people I know read blogs and have even started blogs themselves. The new man in my life (nothing official it's all confusing and that's another thing I really want to blog about) has a sister who blogs, and she's a rather prominent blogger too. It's just too plain risky and that's why I've concluded that blogging has gotten frustrating!

The only thing I feel comfortable blogging about that I actually want to blog about is football. Speaking of which, how about them Saints yall?