Thursday, October 16, 2008

Emotions

I hung up the phone annoyed. The more I thought about it the tenser I got. As I was stuck in traffic the final “Listen I’m sleeping now” repeated itself in my head….but I really needed to talk.

I made circles in the parking garage.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

The first free spot was on the 6th floor. I waited a minute for the elevator but I couldn’t stand still any longer.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

I shuffled down the outdoor stairs carrying a too-heavy tote bag with too-thin straps that felt like they were cutting into my shoulder. Man it’s humid today. I stopped to take a big textbook out to carry instead.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

As I sped walked down the paved walkway the baby ducks failed to amuse me this morning. The guy ahead who intended to open the door for me was too slow, so I circled him and went through the other door. I further picked up the pace and marched through the library into the packed computer lab.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”…….but I told you I really needed to talk.

I decided to respond with an email in a fit of anger and passion. I released the pent up frustration in the form of typed words and quickly wiped off the tears induced so no one would spot my lack of composure. 5 paragraphs and two wet sleeves later I clicked ‘send’. I went to the bathroom to release final tears and continued on to the anatomy lab.

As the day went on I started feeling hints of guilt and regret. That wasn’t really called for. It’s going to hurt feelings, to say the least. I hoped I didn’t open a pandora’s box with the adjectives and adverbs I used.

You know what though...this could be a good thing. It could bring about an “I had no idea” or maybe an apology. That’s it! This will be the turning point in our increasingly bumpy relationship.

The next time I checked my email I had 4 separate replies: The first overly defensive, angry, and full of accusations followed by three short and softer ones, perhaps inspired by a similar moment of regret I head earlier, but nowhere near apologetic. I replied with an “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”…not the most mature or even honest reply, but enough to appease me at the moment.

I made my second cry and reapply (makeup) trip to the library bathroom. I did like Sara Barielles and bottled it up to continue on with my day.

7 comments:

secratea said...

I don't know what to say other than people do hurt each other intentionally and/or unintentionally, but the end result is the same... if only people learn to value apology and it's magical effect, both when initiating or receiving it.

nice to see ya back! Just don't disappear on us like that again! :-)

inmotion said...

wanna tell me some more about this darling?

Hamza said...

so that's the first post I read on ur new blog. :S

me & you need to have a serious talk.

lost within said...

It is good that you got things out of your system .. maybe now you and that person could work things out for real now that they know how you really feel .

we're all here to vent to whenever you feel like it :D

bella said...

Okay, now I'm officially worried
PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!

Jawahir Jewels (JJ) said...

hi :-) i enjoy reading ur posts but like this all i understood was that ur apset for someone who told u they were sleeping and u needed to talk .... and who is that some one ?

asoom said...

Secratea, I think the hurting part was unintentional on both sides. and you're right apologies have magical effects, it's just much easier said than done

inmotion, you're an angel :)

hamza, what do you have prepared?

lost within, I don't know if those issues will every go away. We just make circles with this stuff

bella...hmmm I never heard it ring

jawahir, well I wanted to expess how I was feeling and not talk about the person so much. It's someone I'm close to.