Monday, October 26, 2009

So why can't we talk about our exes?

Why is it so taboo to bring up your ex or even mention previous relationships in the presence of your current person of interest? A lot of times you can't help but recall things. In many ways you're following a similar pattern that you followed before...doing things and saying things that you've done before so you reminisce. Just because you share these observations out loud sometimes it doesn't mean that you're not over the one you used to be with. Don't they realize that this time it's a better experience and that's why you're with that person and not with your ex?

I mean I understand where the problem would be if you excessivly talk about your past relationship because that would mean your ex is always on your mind. However the casual mention could be taken as a compliment as if to say "this is why you're so much better for me!"

Why does the mention of previous relationships make people so insecure?


Hamza said...

because it means that inside your head you are comparing, and your current partner is hoping that he is different. It doesn't mean in a better or a worse way. Despite all what happens with the ex, it is usually the fault of both parties.

the other reason could be insecurity that in case things don't go well with the current partner (because of external factors for example) then you'd be comparing him to the new one and highlight the negative and bad factors in him.

Anonymous said...

ya 7abibti ya Asoom, I don't want to hear about the ex either..I don't want to acknowledge that he has a past that includes any other human being let alone another girl..loool
I know that is totally stupid and not logic at all, but who really wants to hear about "she did this or that or we use to go here and there "..I might pretend to be open minded and listen but inside am going to call his past every name in the book, but am not understanding enough to take it as he is telling me "you're better for me"..
Well, it is a combination of jealousy, insecurity, and fear of ending up also as the "ex" too !!

Organica said...

Good topic!

My two cents is this. This all boils down to culture. When non-Arabs mention their exes in front of their current significant others, all is good. However, when it comes to us Arabs, THERE IS A PROBLEM :-).

My advice to any Arab girl/guy out there in a relationship with a person with a similar background or culture: AVOID SPEAKING ABOUT YOUR EXES. DUMP THEIR MEMORY FOREVER!

Now, as you mention that many things can be compared and similar things are similar and you might come into this relationship with baggage, keep it to yourself! Or share with a girlfriend. DON'T and I repeat, DON'T share with your current person of interest. It saves you a headache.

queenie said...

I wouldn't want SigFig comparing me to his exes. He can compare all he wants in his head. As can I. And that's fine because it's good for trying to figure out how your relationship is working out for you, and attending to your needs. Comparing your current to your ex outloud means nothing (positive) to them. I feel like it only causes insecurity, as in "you're still trying to figure out whether I'm better than them?", especially if there's committment talks going on.

At least that's how I would feel --> "You really need to compare me to your ex to see how good you have it with me?". Psssh.

My view is: your ex is your ex for a reason, you've moved on, and if that chapter is closed, it shouldn't be a topic of discussion with your person of interest.

Of course, unless they bring it up and you're willing to discuss. Then it's all fine and dandy. :)

Abed Hamdan said...

Like others said, comparing is a lose-lose game.

Why would you compare him with your ex ? even if you say out loud that you prefer him...he's a different, and I don't recall anybody likes to be compared with another person.

Abed Hamdan said...

Like others said, comparing is a lose-lose game.

Why would you compare him with your ex ? even if you say out loud that you prefer him...he's a different, and I don't recall anybody likes to be compared with another person.

asoom said...

Hamza, truth be told deep down inside we all do some comparing especially when you have your downs and all healthy relationships have ups and downs. You make a good point with the insecurity, you don't want to build on your partner's insecurity just like you wouldn't want them to build on yours.

Noura, well sometimes there's a certain queue where you feel the topic of the ex is very 'how would your parents feel about being you wanting to be in a committed relationship'..etc and so I can't help but say 'well when I told my parents" about the last guy...bla bla bla. but like I said to hamza, you a good point with the insecurity.

Organica...with regards to the cultural aspect and arabs........BINGO! you have to be careful when revealing any past relationship experiences because cultural stereotypes can easily label you into...hmmm...a little on the slutty side. Like I said to noura, mos tpeople don't just voluntarily reveal information but sometimes you get into conversations where you can' thelp but mention something.

asoom said...

queenie....I don't think most people just bring up their exes for discussion and analyzing with their current one...but sometimes you just get the impression that your significant other wants to know somethings about your past relationship and when you bring it up all of a sudden you just crossed a line and went too far.

Abed, that's a good point, but I'm not talking just about making direct comparisons. Some people get mad when you even make a mention of a past relationship and it's like why? why do I have to always pretend like it didn't exist?

Welcome back to blog reading!