On Breaking Up

At times I was pretty sure he was "the one", but I've been down this road before and this time I knew to hold some of myself back. In life there are few guarantees. Having the person that once told you you're everything he ever wanted in a girl actually putting a ring on your finger is not of those guarantees. Even if he promised you on numerous occasions that he's going to do whatever it takes to make it work. Yes ladies, not even that is a guarantee. A million things might happen. one of those could be that you're not sure you want it anymore. Things are not really what they once appeared to be. Sometimes the whole thing just takes too long that something just gets ruined.

I've been officially "single" for about 3 full days now. Unlike the 3 times previous where we've decided to part ways, this time I know that I can't go back to the way things were. The circumstances around the breakup are a bit too complicated to say that one dumped the other, it was more like a tit-for-tat kinda thing. He was the first to express doubts on whether or not he wanted to continue. Then we took turns playing the victim and the apologetic and when it was my turn to be apologetic I decided that it was enough. The light switch in my heart turned off and the one in my brain turned on. I don't want to apologize about anything, and this is not the type of relationship I want.

The first thing I did was call my mom to let her know. Then I texted my best friend because coincidentally just the day beforie I was expressing my fears and frustrations about us and whether we were going anywhere because as the good Muslim girl I try to be, I don't want a boyfriend-I want an actual future-husband. Then I felt I should inform my roommate who beared witness to some heated arguments, and also just in case he tries to get a hold of her. After that I did something that I never used to do before he came into my life. I turned my phone off for the rest of the day. I wasn't interested in the barrage of missed calls or text messages that ranged from desperately pleading with me to stating I was cold and insensitive.

How am I feeling right now? honestly, I feel more relieved than anything else. I mean sure I've had moments of sadness. There are some things that provoke memories of the good times and it makes me miss him. Sometimes that's associated with thoughts on the lines of wishing that the guy I end up settling down with will have possess some of those unique qualities and characteristics that attracted me to him in the first place...but those thoughts are short-fleeting. My overall feeling is definitely one of relief. It's as if I was being held down more than I felt comfortable and now I feel like I'm floating free.

Ladies it's good to be optimistic, but when it comes to getting to know someone on a serious level be careful not to become too optimistic, you know what I mean? I think this is a mistake and a lesson I've learned. He possessed a lot of great qualities, but I was focusing on the "great" a little bit too much. I made too many concessions, I made too many excuses, I walked on too many eggshells, I gave too many second chances, I overlooked too many differences, I kept my mouth shut on too many instances, and I gave him too much time.

This is the beginning of my summer break. I don't have to work or study. I have plenty of time for myself. I'm home now with my family and around my closest friends Thus far everyone who knows has been very supportive. So Alhamdulilah it actually couldn't have happened at a better time. This might be Allah's (swt) way of answering my duaa asking to please pull him away from me sooner than later if he's not "the one".

I can't say for sure 100% that at some point we won't end up pursuing things again. What I do know though is that I can't go back to the way things were before we parted ways. I also know that right now I'm feeling quite content.