A love letter: while you were in class

I sent this email today. I took out parts of it to post for your reading pleasure, cause we all love a good sappy story!

Dear xxxxxxxxx,
While you're in class I just got overwhelmed with this feeling andwanted to express it to you.

Habibi I really really like you! My admiration for you keeps growingby the day. Although today was a pretty ordinary and boring day, infact worse because it's the first day I took this diet pill and it's making me really dizzy and then I had to mop all these floors and it killed my back, but I was just so happy! Despite the fact that it'sbeen a short time, having you in my life has given me this great feeling of comfort and security. Although my experience in relationships is limited, I have had guys in my life before,but I've never felt as satisfied and content as I do now with you. Iadmit this feeling was not instant. It definitely took some time for me to warm up to you and feel that you're "the one", but this morning I woke up feeling 100%.

I'm looking at my ring now and the thought of you has just filled mewith the general feeling of caring and compassion for others. I call my friends more to follow up with them and make sure they're doing ok. I even love my parents and my siblings more! I want to do good things for people. I can't wait till I can pray thanks to Allah (swt). Weird huh? yea I can't explain it. With you in mylife the world is a great place to be in.

I feel like you "get me" even more than some of my closest friends and that feeling is so great. I feel that I understand you pretty well, and I can't wait for the day when I can make you happy and fulfilled and make the world you live an exciting place ;) I just think about all the things we can do together and I get so excited about thefuture. I can't wait to support and be your rock and always be therefor you-to comfort you when you're down and to share with you in yourhappiness. I can't wait to be part of your family and for you to bepart of mine despite the challenges that may come along with it. I amconfident there's no obstacle we can't overcome.

-----------------------------There's nothing we can'ttalk about and nothing we can't work through. You're my man!
Love,

Your Girl

The Promise Ring

The trip to the jeweler was a surprise I didn't predict. He told me to pick out the ring I liked best. "This is to hold you over until you get the real thing....." or what's commonly known as a promise ring. I must have been glowing smiles because the sales lady told me twice I had pretty teeth. After trying on a few styles I ended up choosing one of the more simpler traditional-looking rings with tiny diamonds shaped into a square. Seeing me so happy made his eyes glow a brighter green. I couldn't keep my eyes off him with an expression that read 'I can't believe you'.

This morning I woke up so happy. Then I wondered, what does a girl do with the promise ring when she gets an engagement ring?

I've refrained from blogging about this aspect of my life, but I decided if I'm going to continue blogging it's just inevitable.

what to say to a recent divorcee

I can let my friends know I'm there for them during times of mundane stresses, minor annoyances, and illnesses; however, I'm not really good at reaching out to people when they're going through major personal crises.

A friend who I've referred to as "Mandy" the workaholic in my old diary got married and separated in a matter of months. She's now in the process of obtaining a legal divorce. There was a time when me and her were pretty close. During my 3 months in chicago she got engaged and had a celebration without letting me know, I found out when I saw the pictures on facebook so I was upset and didn't even bother calling her to congratulate. I eventually got over it and sent her a facebook message letting her know that I was happy for her. While I was away in Jordan she got married and moved to a different state and I never spoke to her.

I was shocked recently when my good friend Suzy (old diary reference) told me Mandy moved back with her family a few weeks ago and is getting a divorce. I felt bad as I thought about what she must be going through. I wanted to do something to show her I'm here if she needs me but I had no clue what or how to go about it; so I just let it be while my conscious gnawed at me for being a lazy friend. Suzy on the other hand had no problem calling her up to confirm that the rumor was true and even asking her details about what happened. I could never ask for such details if the info wasn't volunteered to me, I'd feel like it was non of my business and that I'd come off as a gossiper, which is something Suzy is sometimes accused of. I have in fact gotten all my info from Suzy.

Suzy is having a small BBQ tomorrow in honor of my homecoming and Mandy will be there. It's weird to admit but I'm getting anxious about seeing her. I can't just pretend that we didn't used to be good friends and then stopped talking to each other and that she's not going through a shocking divoce (after like 4 months of marriage)......although that's really what I'd prefer to do.

I wouldn't even know where to start. "Hey nice to see you after so long oh and what are you doing home didn't you just get married?"

I can't play the dumb card, how fake is that!

"Hey are you feeling ok I heard about what happened and I'm soooo sorry"

How do I know that won't bother her? Maybe she doesn't wanto be reminded. Maybe she just wants to enjoy herself with the girls today..something that she probably hasn't done in a while.

"Hey you know I'm always here for you"

considering I haven't spoken to her long before she was married that would be a bullshit statement. I should probably have a talk to with Suzy beforehand.

Unintentionally Overheard

My dear roomie would have had no way of knowing that I had decided to skip class all day and was actually home. My car wasn't parked in the driveway, I left it in the distant lot...and the door of my room was shut which usually means I'm not there...but I was lying down in bed sulking and contemplating how I was going to get out of the hole I dug myself into.

As usual when she walked in she was talking on her cell with (most likely) her best friend. I was casually eavesdropping, but my ears perked up when conversation took a turn to recalling the events of the last couple of days. I was curious if she was going to comment on a specific issue, if perhaps she heard anything, or just knows something....and then it came.

"He really really likes her ......No, he's like crazy in love with her .....I can tell"

It didn't take long to confirm my suspicions. The "her" was me. My primary thought was.....oooohh AWKWARD eeeeeekk

Jason Mraz, Biker Jacket, Retinoscopy, Zumba, Winter

Oh Happy Day!!!!!

Or more like a happy last 24 hours.

Today I got stamped for BOTH retinoscopy and the slit lamp. It takes like a month to get one procedure down at a time for me...getting two stamps in a day was REALLY exciting. This means that I am now capable of determining your refractive error for your glasses/lenses prescription and evaluating the heath of the front of your eye. WOOOHOOOOOOO! I ask that you please try and contain your jealousy.

Last night during an emergency mall trip I found the cutest looking biker-inspired jacket on clearance at Bebe Sport. As cute as it was on the rack, it was even way cuter on! Then, on the cash register it rang up even cheaper than I thought. Wait there's more....and I got an additional $25 off for spending whatever it was I spent in that store!!!!!!

Last night I received the most heartwarming "hey I know what you're going through and I'm here for you" message from a classmate (Blondie, reference from old diary). I was so touched that I just wanted to do nothing but be nice and spread the love to everyone around me.

After 3 months of saying I will, I finally actually went to Zumba class! It was too much aggressive butt shaking I don't know if I'll go again, but I've been regularly going to gym! Oh and since it finally got slightly cool and me and my roomie were so excited that we converted the upstairs balcony to a makeshift study room with cushions, lamps, and sheets and towels covering the rails so we don't have to wear hijab.

Finally, thanks a dear classmate of mine Iwill now be attending the upcoming and very exciting Jason Mraz concert!!!!!

If you've got the poison I've got the remedy the remedy

and now for some girly drama for ur mama

Which I like to stray far away from as long as I can help it.

I'm starting to make this connection between girls who attended strict segregated high schools or came from super strict households where they weren't allowed to do anything and those that end up living their high school drama during their adult lives. I can't even tell you how many times I observed this.

Last night at a cultural event in a different city that "hot Jordanian guy" (reference from my old diary) told me about I sat on the same table with the most irritating female. Other than the friend I took with me and HJG, I didn't know anyone going there. I happily bumped into some familiar faces at the door: my roomie's friend who came with her mom and sis. HJG was sitting on a table with a few guys and 2 girls; they had empty seats and motioned for the 5 of us us to join them as they added chairs and rearranged themselves.

One of the girls decided she didn't reallylike us. She's a senior at my uni but I've never seen her before. She didn't acknowledge us and kept having whispered conversations with the guys on either side of her (one being HJG). When HJG cut her whispering off to introduce us she gave me the most painfully forced smile then completely turned her head away from me back to him, never saying a word to me. I asked her a general getting-to-know-you question to break the ice and she answered mumbling while totally looking away from me. HJG is friendly by nature and probably felt a bit responsible for our comfort and enjoyment considering he invited us, so he was conversing with us and she seemed annoyed but didn't join in. She just gave up and moved on to sit between 2 other guys and resumed the giggled whispering. The other girls knew her from school, but they weren't really trying to talk to her.

I don't know what it was about us that bothered the girls (who are sisters btw), especially the one so much. Maybe it was that we were hijabis and looked like stereotypical good muslim girls, maybe it was the presence of the mother, or maybe it was something to do with these girls knowing her from way back when that made her uncomfortable. She may have felt like we would judge her. She may have thought we would gossip about her and didn't want to give anyone an opportunity to do so.

Towards the end of the night she warmed up a little bit to me largely due to the efforts of HJG. When I was telling my roomie about the event I asked her if she knew that girl since we go to the same uni and my roomie's been here forever. I was curious about the girl's behavior but didn't want to directly ask cause it would sound like gossip, so I just added "I don't think she likes me very much". To which my roomate replied "she's very weird". She went to the local strict Islamic school. She used to wear hijab and took it off in college. According to my roomie, sometimes when she bumps into her the girl will act like she has no clue who she is, and sometimes she'll be really friendly.

Interesting observations, and I don't think I'll be making friends with her during my time here.

Emotions

I hung up the phone annoyed. The more I thought about it the tenser I got. As I was stuck in traffic the final “Listen I’m sleeping now” repeated itself in my head….but I really needed to talk.

I made circles in the parking garage.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

The first free spot was on the 6th floor. I waited a minute for the elevator but I couldn’t stand still any longer.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

I shuffled down the outdoor stairs carrying a too-heavy tote bag with too-thin straps that felt like they were cutting into my shoulder. Man it’s humid today. I stopped to take a big textbook out to carry instead.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”

As I sped walked down the paved walkway the baby ducks failed to amuse me this morning. The guy ahead who intended to open the door for me was too slow, so I circled him and went through the other door. I further picked up the pace and marched through the library into the packed computer lab.

“Listen I’m sleeping now”…….but I told you I really needed to talk.

I decided to respond with an email in a fit of anger and passion. I released the pent up frustration in the form of typed words and quickly wiped off the tears induced so no one would spot my lack of composure. 5 paragraphs and two wet sleeves later I clicked ‘send’. I went to the bathroom to release final tears and continued on to the anatomy lab.

As the day went on I started feeling hints of guilt and regret. That wasn’t really called for. It’s going to hurt feelings, to say the least. I hoped I didn’t open a pandora’s box with the adjectives and adverbs I used.

You know what though...this could be a good thing. It could bring about an “I had no idea” or maybe an apology. That’s it! This will be the turning point in our increasingly bumpy relationship.

The next time I checked my email I had 4 separate replies: The first overly defensive, angry, and full of accusations followed by three short and softer ones, perhaps inspired by a similar moment of regret I head earlier, but nowhere near apologetic. I replied with an “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”…not the most mature or even honest reply, but enough to appease me at the moment.

I made my second cry and reapply (makeup) trip to the library bathroom. I did like Sara Barielles and bottled it up to continue on with my day.